Clear the aisles, because you're about to be rolling in them.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Do you ever wonder why lions don't eat clowns? It's because they taste funny.

I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

Animal testing is a terrible idea because they get nervous and give the wrong answers.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps coming back.

The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him.

Why do ducks have tails? To hide their butt quacks.

I failed math so many times at school, I can't even count.

I remember being able to get out of bed without making sound effects.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar making factory, all I did was take a day off.

You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.

I wasn't a fan of facial hair, but eventually it grew on me.

I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger, then it finally hit me.

When I was five years old, I died once and my mom made me walk it off.

Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.

You have to be odd to be number one.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then I turned myself around.

I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the parking garage. That's wrong on so many levels.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

When life shuts a door, open it again. It's a door, that's how they work.

Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it will be me.

Laughter is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you may need medicine.

Did you hear about the guy giving away dead batteries? They were free of charge.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.

Why did the invisible man quit his job? He couldn't see himself doing it.

Don't you hate when someone answers their own questions? I do.

I would survive in the Scream movie because I never answer my phone.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

My room is not a mess, it's an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

There are three kinds of people in this world - those who can do math and those who can't.

Five out of four people have problems with fractions.

My father has schizophrenia, but he's good people.

When you ask me what I'm doing today and I say "nothing" it doesn't mean I'm free, it means I'm doing Nothing.

When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn't hire stupid people.

I'm not weird, I'm just a limited edition.

I met a giant once. I didn't know what to say so I just used big words.

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

The other day I asked my banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.

I'm only one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

My wife hit the ceiling when she found out that I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

I haven't spoken to my wife in over 18 months. I hate to interrupt her.

Always borrow money from a pessimist, they neverr expect it back.

People call me rude, but I prefer to call it direct.

I'm obssessed with telling airport jokes, my doctor says it's a terminal problem.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I hate when a couple argues in public and I miss the beginning - I don't know whose side to be on.

Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? He's suffering from withdrawals.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see.

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef.

Do you ever wonder where all the one-legged waitresses work? I-Hop.

The best time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and say, "Why, what did you hear?"

I used to be a Lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian also thinks sitting in a garage can make you a car.

I'd tell you a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.

I'd tell you a joke about airplanes, but it would go over your head.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why most people appear bright before you hear them speak.

I don't mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.

I'm not short, I'm just more down to earth than other people.

How do lumberjacks know how many trees they've cut down? They keep a log.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We'll just see about that!

My wife and I sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

Life is a tornado and I'm just a cow being spun around for cinematic value.

What do you get when you cross a guitar, a set of drums and a car tire? A rubber band.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

Women shouldn't have children after 35. 35 Kids are enough!

When life throws me a rainy day, I play in the puddles.

Why did the financial planner quit his job? He was losing interest.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a girl who would really be upset to hear that.

A smart person knows what to say. A wise person knows whether to say it or not.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Thankfully someone woke her up.

People who use selfie sticks need to have a good long look at themselves.

What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.

Fall is that beautiful time of year between sweat and frostbite.

How did Noah sail his ark at night? He used floodlights.

I always take life with a grain of salt - and a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

My teacher asked me what my favorite animal is. I said, "Fried Chicken."

Every married person should forget their mistakes. There's no point in two people remembering the same thing.

I was going to tell you a joke about sodium, but then I thought "Na."

I just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I'm napping.

I put my grandma on speed-dial. I call it Instagram.

What did the fish say after swimming into a cement wall? "Dam!"

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I told a bad chemistry joke once, it didn't get much of a reaction.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I went to see my doctor about my memory problems. The first thing he did was to make me pay in advance.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

That last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

I just found out that I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

I just had the dentist pull out all my teeth. I'm never doing that again!

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side got amputated? He's all right now.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

A recent study shown that women who carry a little bit of extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes.

I'm not lazy, I'm just in the energy-saving mode.

Last night my wife was complaining that I never listen to her.. or something like that.

R.I.P. boiled water, you will be mist.

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they'll want to use it.

They say smoking will kill you and bacon will kill you. And yet, smoking bacon will cure it.

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

If I ever choke to death on a gummi bear, just tell everyone I was killed by a bear and leave it at that.

I was riding a donkey the other day and someone throw a rock at me and knocked me off. I got stoned off my ass.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.

Does my wife think I'm a control freak? I haven't decided yet.

Blunt pencils are really pointless.

I was playing chess the other day with my friend and I said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

Adam and Eve were the first people to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

Proof that we don't understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, is this stool taken?

When I was a boy, I would lay in my twin-sized bed and wonder where my brother was.

I can tell people are being judgemental just by looking at them.

My drug test came back negative, my dealer has some explaining to do.

The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When the cannibal showed up late for the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.

Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

A blind man walked into a bar.. and a table.. and a chair.

The first time I bought a universal remote I thought to myself, "This changes everything."

Whiteboards are remarkable.

I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle the strangers.

I threw a boomerang a couple years ago, now I live in constant fear.

Keep the dream alive, hit your snooze button.

My wife told my best friend that I'm a procrastintor. I'm going to have a talk with her about that later.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I used to have an hourglass figure, but then the sand shifted.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

I told my computer I needed a break, now it won't stop showing me vacation ads.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head and that'll really freak you out!